I went to a Wedding Fayre (yes, Fayre, that's how it's spelt in the wedding industry, ok?) yesterday. I admit that when I arrived I was utterly, teeth rattlingly terrified. Surrounded by brisk, intimidatingly efficient ladies stabbing teazles into oasis, and towering wedding cake confections the size of a ten year old, I felt a total fraud as I laid my table; 1 sample book, 1 bowl of sugared almonds, 1 pile of pens, all lying haphazardly on top of my unironed sheet that I had pressed into service as a table cloth.
However once I had finished being sick behind the rhododendrons - I blame the nerves, but honestly it could just as easily have been the pasty on the train - I rather enjoyed myself. Once people had recovered from their shock at the paucity of my display, they were absolutely lovely to me. I was encouraged, petted, flattered and fed with pheasant paté and wedding cake until it all rather went to my head. Fortunately my feet were kept firmly on the ground by the hordes of small children, angry at being dressed in their best and marched around a marquee when the sun was shining, who kept sneaking sugared almonds when they thought my back was turned and then, with awful inevitability and horrified face, regurgitating the pastel remains over my feet.
While there, just out of interest, I did a little survey. I am always interested in the motives of people who buy my products. Are they just being sensible and avoiding a last minute panic? Are they in the throes of a last minute panic now? Have they been pressured into using my services by someone who doesn't quite trust them? I very rarely get to learn these things, but I would love to know.
So, my survey asked, are you concerned about the speeches at your wedding? And if so, can you give details?
Over the course of the day, although very few people were prepared to actually admit it in black and white, it became very clear that there was one universal concern when it came to the speeches, and indeed every other aspect of the wedding preparations, and that was Family.
"My father needs your help!" shouted one bride immediately she saw the sign. "When he did a speech at my sister's wedding, it was all about me and how he'd never get shot of me because I'm un-marryable! God knows what he's going to come out with now I'm actually getting married!"
"The best man's a twonk." declared one resigned looking young man. When I pressed him as to why he had chosen a twonk as his best man, he shrugged. "He's my brother isn't he? What can you do? I'm not sure he'll even show up, to be honest." His bride to be nodded vehemently, her eyes bulging with the strain of keeping things unsaid. Because it's Family.
Other, horrifying stories came out through the day. Tales of alcoholic uncles, wicked stepmothers, and second cousins who could kill a room stone dead with a single anecdote were alternately yelled at me, or muttered furtively out of the corner of the mouth.
It got me thinking. Your wedding is supposed to be Your Special Day. Absolutely everything is supposed to be exactly as you want it. Your every need, whim and tantrum should be catered to. And overall, it is. The tasty delicacy is shipped in especially from Sri Lanka. The flowers are rejected over and over until they match perfectly the lilac hue of the bridesmaids dresses. And the Rolls Royce hire is cancelled (though not refunded) three days before the wedding when you discover that there's a man in the village who runs the most darling little pony and trap. Even the groom is allowed to have a screaming breakdown over his buttonhole if he wants to. All this is as it should be.
And yet, so many couples are prepared to jeopardise their wedding day for Family. They grimly pore over seating plans as though they were war maps, trying to make sure that Auntie Mabel and Auntie Fleur won't get even a glimpse of each other for the whole day. They reluctantly but dutifully invite people who haven't been invited anywhere since 1986, for very good reason. They organise special rubber chair covers for Grandpa George, and detail someone to watch Evie like a hawk for signs of a hip flask.
Why do they do this, do you think? In my opinion, it's because secretly, deep down inside, they know that your wedding isn't all about you. In fact, it's not even mainly about you. It's about your family. It's about your friends. It's about making sure that everybody has the best day they could possibly have on your wedding day. And it's about making sure that nobody, even somebody who may have deliberately knitted you bad jumpers and made you wear them in the past, feels left out.
So, there you go. It can all be summed up with a shrug, a weary smile, and the words "It's Family."
However, there is one thing you can do to reduce the peril just a little. If the Loose Cannon is going to be making a speech, send them to me. I'll make sure they don't embarrass you, I promise.
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