Pipe Down!

So, the prize for most deluded person of the week goes to Canadian publisher Pamela McColl. Ms McColl is clearly a frustrated writer who, for whatever reason unable to produce original work of her own, has taken to mutilating that of others to make it "better" or at least "more appropriate". Quite what has lead Ms McColl to believe that she is qualified to do this remains unclear, but the vision of her on a Saturday night, cross legged in her pyjamas and fluffy-bunny slippers on the floor of her beige flat, feverishly setting about the classics with a giant pair of scissors whilst dementedly humming to herself and swigging from a bottle of cooking sherry is irresistible.
She has started her quest with that deviant ode, A Visit From Saint Nicholas, also known as The Night Before Christmas, by Clement Moore. Yes, you know the one; famous since it was first written 200 years ago for corrupting children and sending them down the slippery slope to perdition. No child is known to have heard it and escape unscathed. Ms McColl has decided to save them from themselves by removing the lines: "The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, / And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath" . Because, as we all know, Old Saint Nick is the role model of choice for modern children, and every boxing day saw them stampeding to the corner shops in droves, desperate to exchange their Christmas fiver from Grandma for twenty Bensons.
"By removing these words we may save lives and avoid influencing new smokers" said Ms McColl, rocking manically in her home-made plywood throne. "If this text is to survive another 200 years it needs to modernise and reflect today's realities." One wonders in fact how it has survived as long as it has without her wise and kindly ministrations. Three cheers for Pamela.
How does she plan to save the world next? Will Othello fall victim to her shears, as she seeks to obliterate all hint of racism, and Roderigo's allusions to "Thick Lips"? Or what about Austen, with her novels rampant with classism? Or maybe the fairy tales, with their shameful sexism, or Sherlock Holmes with his drug addictions, or the Beatrix Potter tales with their constant threat of rabbit-related violence? So many dangers and so little time, Ms McColl. Better get cracking!

I think it is probably useless to point out to her the futility of trying to impose modern constraints on culture created in another era, one which embraced different values. People like Ms McColl display a sort of fanatical tunnel vision as they straddle their hobby horses; people who disagree with them are less to be blamed than pitied for their ignorance; surely, once they have been educated to a reasonable level the truth will dawn upon them in a blinding flash and they too will join in the crusade in a blaze of reformed zealotry.
Well, apparently not this time. Svetlana Mintcheva from the National Coalition against Censorship had this to say on the issue:
"Putting children in an insulation bubble, hoping to protect them from anything their parents may deem harmful, is not only impossible, it is unproductive. In this world where all kinds of images barrage us in the street, on the internet and through mass media, energies should be directed at helping children navigate among messages and look at them critically rather than hoping for a magic solution by taking away Santa's pipe." Well said, that lady. Responsibility for children lies with the parents, with the teachers, and, to a certain extent, with the government, but not, with you Ms McColl, for which we must all be profoundly grateful. So put that in your pipe and smoke it.