Christmas is on the Cards

And so, here we all are again. Slumped grimly at table or desk, head in hands, fingers sore and inky, third glass of wine well on the go, a pile of smudged and discarded envelopes on the floor, a stray festive stamp dangling from our fringe...
Yes, Christmas cards are upon us once more. And as with so many things at Christmas the reponsibility inevitably falls to the women of the family - because we're so much better at it, darling! Every year I sit down to the task with enthusiasm; partly because of the wine, but also because the idea of staying in touch with absent friends through the magic of Christmas strikes me as beautifully sentimental.
That is until an hour later when both my pen and my inspiration have started to run dry, and even less so around one in the morning when I realise I am less than half way through and on the point of howling into my glitter-strewn desk.
Why send Christmas Cards at all, I hear you ask? They are expensive, unnecessary, dated and environmentally disastrous. In this era of electronic Pigs and Pigeons, why would anyone bother? In theory, I agree wholeheartedly. In practice however the idea of not sending cards at Christmas is rather akin to setting fire to my nativity set. I've always done it - apart from when I was at university when I was too broke and busy going to dodgy parties - and I probably always will. I genuinely believe that people enjoy getting them and feeling that someone was thinking of them enough to sit down and write a few lines at Christmas. In our busy, often lonely lives, even something so little can mean a lot. They also make fantastic, cheerful, colourful and cheap decorations, which is not something that can be said for their e-alternatives.
So yes, I like the idea of cards. But that doesn't make them any easier to write. So here, for the benefit of my fellow ink-bespattered sufferers, are a few Dos and Don'ts of Christmas Card Writing.

DO

1. Keep the tone conversational; no bullet points please!
2. Keep it upbeat and enthusiastic - If you must tell a miserable anecdote try to end it on a happy note, e.g. "So thanks to Uncle Kevin's broken leg we all learned a valuable lesson!" And remember, this is the one occasion when you can use as many exclamation marks as you like!!! It's Christmas after all!!!
3. Repeat the same stories over and over in the various cards. The recipients are very unlikely to meet each other and swap notes, and if you keep trying to come up with original material you'll go mad.
4. Try to personalise each card a little though; remember children's names and ask questions specific to the recipient. "Are you going to Doris's again for Christmas?" is fine. "What are you doing for Christmas?" makes you sound like a hairdresser. Tip - always hold on to the cards you receive at Christmas. That way you can check facts and names when writing to them the year after.
5. Remember why you're writing the card; you are wishing someone a happy Christmas. So do try to squeeze that in somewhere amongst the list of your family's achievements.

DON'T

1. Send round robins unless you really, really have to. People like to receive a personal card, not a bulletin. Along the same lines, don't use generic, stock phrases; "We hope to see you in 2013" is going to ring rather false if the recipient is 95 and lives in Australia.
2. Boast. You are understandably proud of your family and what they have done this year, but your gushing effusion about little Jake's hacky-sack victory just may come across as unbearably smug.
3. Overcomplicate. It may seem like a really cute little conceit to stencil a glittery holly sprig in the corner of each card, but trust me, 3 hours in you'll be covered in glue and tears. Christmas is complicated and stressful enough; don't add to it. Likewise, unless you are brilliantly creative and have lots of time on your hands, don't even think about making your cards. A multi-pack from the local shop will do just fine.
4. Sign cards with the word "Love" unless you mean it. The milkman may take it the wrong way.
5. Sign your partner's name, or get them to sign unless you have been together for more than three months. Any less is just creepy, and will scare your partner and your recipients in equal measure.
6. Write 'Xmas.' Ever. Please.

And one final thrifty tip my mother taught me when I was a little girl; when you're finally done with all the  cards you have received, just get a pair of pinking shears, a hole punch and some ribbon and Hey Presto! Pretty gift tags. See - Christmas cards rock.